I have Celiac Disease and at this point, I’ll forgo my usual “Celiac disease is not an allergy” lecture, and just refer the reader to the Celiac Disease Foundation website for all the details about the autoimmune disease.  I have to follow a super-strict gluten-free food plan that avoids all wheat, flour, barley, rye, oats, malt, barley, hops, spelt, durum wheat, kamut, and any derivative, form or hybrid of any or all of the above. 

 

I’ve spent years going to restaurants ordering the plain grilled chicken salad, no croutons please, with vinegar and oil dressing.   No elaborate sauces, no breaded anything, no secret spice mixture, no house bread.  Don’t even bother showing me the dessert menu because I’m positive there isn’t anything remotely close to gluten-free on it.  Every once in a while, I’ll look longingly at an espresso and raspberry tiramisu or a seven-layer triple chocolate chip fudge cake and contemplate the trade off of severe abdominal pain, explosive diarrhea, emotional misery and fatigue that accompanies a day or two going from bed, to bathroom, and back again.   The substantial consequences of gluten ingestion are so terrifically horrible, I’m rarely tempted to sample forbidden products voluntarily and end up ordering a Spanish Coffee for dessert.  I might not be able to eat cake but I can drink my dessert damn it!

 

I started to see gluten-free food labeling more and more, which was a great thing, I thought.  More variety and accessibility of gluten-free means more options for people with Celiacs.  But then something else happened.  I started to see gluten-free more and more on products that didn’t seem to warrant a gluten-free label.  I offer as evidence:  mayonnaise.  “Gluten-free” in a big, bold, banner, on the front of the mayo jar, not even hidden in the back by the nutritional information.  Isn’t mayo just eggs, oil, vinegar and maybe some garlic or lemon?  Why does that need to be labeled gluten-free?  Hasn’t mayonnaise always been gluten-free?  To me, this would be the same as a steak being labeled “low carb.” No shit.  And bacon.  Isn’t bacon just plain bacon?  Not the super flavored fake hickory apple wood smoked maple turkey bacon, just bacon.  Why does a product that is supposed to be a total of one ingredient need a gluten-free label?  More reasons to eat local and simple and a whole other blog topic. 

 

Given the boring menu options I’m used to dealing with, I feel a little guilty and ungrateful for not appreciating and in fact, being skeptical of all the new gluten-free items popping up at restaurants everywhere.  True, it’s great to have mainstream restaurants like Outback and PF Changs offering not just gluten-free items but full gluten-free menus.  Sadly, I’m beginning to think gluten-free is becoming the buzzword of our decade, what Atkins was ten years ago.  I suspect there are gluten-free imposters lurking out there in restaurant world.  Posers, shall we call them, culinary con-artists leaping on the gluten-free bandwagon solely for the profit while the trend lasts. 

 

Then, my suspicions were validated when I heard about Subway jumping on my gluten-free bus (or my gluten-free subway in their case.)    Subway, the sandwich shop known for fresh baked bread, the $5 foot-long, the build it right in front of your eyes sub shop.  In January, Subway announced they would begin testing a gluten-free sandwich roll.  Nothing against Jared, Michael Phelps and what I’m sure is yummy fresh bread, but I’m not sure if I would be willing to trust a room full of gluten-laced products and an underpaid sandwich artist with the chore of keeping my order gluten-free.  So to all the restaurants, stores, products, bakers, retailers, cooks, owners, servers and anyone else who might come into contact with my gluten-free food, I want to share with you three ways I’ll know you are a gluten-free poser. 

 

1)  YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT GLUTEN IS

 

And by “you,” I mean your staff, your servers, and your managers who come around to my table and tell me there’s no added sugar in the black bean chili I inquired about.  No added sugar?  Gluten.  I said gluten, not glucose.  You don’t have to have a degree in modern food additives to make me feel comfortable, but please know the difference between gluten and glucose.   Your diabetic customers will appreciate your knowledge of all things sweet, but I said GLUTEN.      

 

 I don’t care about gelatin.  I didn’t order the Jell-O, the ambrosia, or the jigglers.  I didn’t think I was dining at the hospital cafeteria and until I don’t have any teeth left, I won’t be ordering the Jell-O.  Although I typically chose not to eat MSG, I didn’t ask about that either.  I’m glad your Asian chicken salad is free from monosodium glutamate, but the migraine I spare myself by not eating MSG will be replaced with life-threatening intestinal damage if the soy sauce you use contains wheat.  Yes, soy sauce has wheat in it.  You’re welcome. 

 

And to the restaurant server who proudly testified they don’t “use glue in any of our food,” thank you.  No glue in any of the recipes?  None of them?  Wow.  How is there an empty table in this place?  I am completely impressed now.  I am now so impressed I don’t think I’m fit to eat in your fine establishment where there is not even one little drop of glue in anything.  Are you going to brag about not having rat poison and mule droppings in your food too?  If you know what isn’t in your food, do you know what is in your food?              

               

 

2)  YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IS IN YOUR FOOD

 

I know it seems like it should be basic:  know what is in your food; know what ingredients you are using.  When I ask you what is in the broccoli risotto, I’m going to automatically assume it has broccoli and rice.  It is all the other stuff I need to know about.  If you aren’t making the risotto from scratch, first, shame on you, and second, I need to know everything that is listed on the so-called spice packet that came packed in your fifty pound case of risotto.   And for the record, the term “other spices” is not a valid ingredient. 

 

I feel fortunate to have a tiny bit of a food background and with that, a slight edge when it comes to knowing what questions to ask.  It is absolutely okay if you can’t tell me for sure if something is gluten-free or not, but it is unforgiveable to guess.   It is completely acceptable for you to not know all the gluten hidden code words, but it is negligent to omit ingredients because you don’t “think” there is any gluten in them.  I have uncovered gluten in lipstick, coffee, over the counter pain relievers and cheese.  Show me the ingredients and I’ll make the call, in that case I will only have myself to blame.  And to all the chefs out there who are secretive and protective with their recipes (myself included) I don’t want your grandmother’s eggplant gratin recipe.  I want to know if I need to make arrangements for my gastroenterologist to be on call after eating your grandmother’s eggplant gratin.     

 

And please, please, pretty please with a gluten-free cherry on top, don’t forget about the garnish.  If I’ve spent the last ten minutes quizzing you about your filet mignon special and if there is gluten in it, to the point where you are now ready for a cocktail as well, don’t surprise me with gluten-laden extras or garnishes I didn’t ask for.  You may be famous for your fried onion strings that are served with everything on your menu from a Bloody Mary to key lime pie, and they are probably tasty but I will take your word for it.  Which brings me to point number three. 

 

3)  YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND CROSS-CONTAMINATION

 

Let’s say I order said filet mignon special, topped with gorgonzola and walnuts, after my salad with no croutons and pushing the bread over to the other side of the table.  And when you bring the filet, the goddamned fried and breaded onion strings are on top of the plate.  Which to me looks about as appetizing as a big pile of pubic hair garnishing a piece of road kill, because that’s what that filet has just become to me.  Inedible road kill.  And no, you can’t just take the gluten-infested food off the plate and re-serve it to me.  Do us both a favor and give the plate to someone in the kitchen who will eat it and please bring me one that hasn’t been contaminated.  It is like when the dog licks your spoon.  You might not be able to see that the dog licked your spoon, he might not have left any fur or dog spit on the spoon, but the dog germs are there.  Same thing with gluten.  I might not be able to see the gluten molecules after you scrape off the crumbs, but I’ll know. 

 

How is Subway going to keep the gluten-free bread safe from coming into contact with the gluten-full bread?  Are they going to use a dedicated toaster for gluten-free items?  What about the little knives the staff use to split the bread at the beginning of your order, how are they going to keep those gluten-free?  And what about the cutting board the bread is sliced on?  After splitting a bazillion gluten-full loaves on a cutting board that is built into the counter, where are they going to slice the gluten-free bread? 

 

And not to just pick on Subway, I ask the same questions of all restaurants.  Even if you have a gluten-free item on the menu and list all of the ingredients with their sources and how much of a carbon footprint you created to get the items to my plate, how are you going to keep your gluten cooties from getting near my food, from delivery to prep to cooking to warming to serving?  Just asking. 

 

There is a part of me that realizes this makes me sound like a high maintenance bitch.  I’m really not, most of the time anyway.  I’m not being picky, I’m not a finicky eater and as evidence, I’m obviously not going to wither away anytime soon.  I think it is fair to point out that the restaurants I frequent are not the ones who have dedicated gluten-free menus but ones that have honest and helpful staff who will understand, or at least try to, what I’m asking about, why I’m asking, what is in their food and how to safely serve a gluten-free meal.  Only time will tell if the gluten-free trend is here to stay like artisan, organic and sustainable foods or if it will go the way of plastic bottled water, high-end burgers for $100 and apple flavored martinis.  So in the meantime, don’t be a gluten-free poser.  I’ll know.  Now can I please have a Spanish coffee?